STOPPING INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR IN THE WORKPLACE
By Susan Shaw - Contributing writer for Equality Magazine Publishing
Everyone is always looking for a quick fix. We want to lose ten pounds in a week, become an overnight success, and have the romantic relationships of our dreams–now. Unfortunately, these things take time. But some of life’s most uncomfortable and stressful situations, especially at work, really can be turned around in just a couple of minutes-if we know exactly what steps to take, and then, take the initiative to follow through.
Is someone treating you in a demeaning manner at work? Do you find the casual comments and repeated actions of others to be offensive? Think about what happens consistently at work that punches your buttons. You can probably think of several things in the workplace that you feel are offensive, but most of us have no idea how to respond professionally and effectively to stop offensive behavior.
Lenora Billings-Harris, a human resource and diversity expert and the author of The Diversity Advantage: A Guide to Making Diversity Work, teaches others how to stop inappropriate behavior at work with a four-step process for giving feedback which she calls the S.T.O.P. technique.“People want to speak up when they observe an inappropriate interaction, but one of the main reasons they don’t is because they don’t know what to say that will stop the behavior and also preserve the relationship,” Billings-Harris says.
Maybe a male manager expects his female secretary to take his suits to the dry cleaners. Maybe a co-worker from another department stops listening and turns his back when you are explaining the objectives of your department. Or, maybe someone at work habitually uses offensive words to describe racial characteristics.When we fume inwardly about the behavior of others, while outwardly tolerating inappropriate behavior, we are teaching others that they can get away with treating us in an unprofessional manner. Stop fuming and be assertive. You’ll be surprised at how much taking the small risk of using the steps below can lighten your stress level, ensure that you are treated with respect at all times, and ultimately improve all your working relationships.
S
State the inappropriate behavior objectively. First, simply describe the specific behavior that needs to be changed in an objective, unemotional manner. Too often when we do speak up regarding inappropriate behavior, excessive emotions that might be equally inappropriate at work tend to surface. An emotional outburst from you can cause the offender to become defensive, to go into denial, and can do more damage to your working relationship. However, bringing our own emotion into a workplace situation is definitely appropriate, if it is done by simply stating our own feelings, rather than attacking the person we are speaking to, as in step two.
T
Tell the offender how you feel when she or he performs this inappropriate behavior. Be honest about your feelings. “You want to make this very personal so the offender has to decide if the relationship is important enough for them to try to change their own behavior,” Billings-Harris says. Simply inform the offender of your emotional reaction to the inappropriate behavior.
O
Options, options, options. Give suggestions for an alternative behavior that you would find acceptable. Don’t just tell another to stop doing something; tell them what they could do instead that you would find acceptable. Frequently the other person wants to change the situation too, but doesn’t know what the options are.
P
Positive results. Share with the offender what would be in it for her or him if she or he chooses to change their behavior. Give the offender an incentive to change by describing the positive results that will come.“Use the fewest words possible,” Billings-Harris says. “What’s important is that you want them to stop a particular behavior. It’s not necessary to tell the offender all the details regarding why you feel as you do. That will only muddle the issue and leave you open for argument and judgement.”
Billings-Harris once worked for a man who had a habit of winking at his employees. Although she understood that the wink was probably intended as a gesture of encouragement, the behavior reminded her of a childhood experience–seeing men in front of movie theaters in New York winking at women they were trying to pick up. Billings-Harris felt it was important that she let others know that she expected to be treated with the highest professionalism at all times.
“Had I known the S.T.O.P. technique at that time,” she says. “I would have said simply, ‘Fred, when you wink your eye at me (step 1.) I feel like a little girl, and I’m alarmed that you might be sending a sexual message (step 2). I would prefer that you tell me what you are thinking instead of winking your eye (step 3). If you would be willing to talk to me instead of winking, I will be much better able to be fully attentive to what you are communicating, and I think we both will be more comfortable working with each other (step 4).
Notice that in the above example the S.T.O.P. process is followed in sequence, less than a hundred words are used, and making a statement like this would take only a moment.
Don’t expect any response from the offender, Billings-Harris says. Simply name the behavior, state your feelings, give options, and describe the benefits of changing the behavior, and leave it at that. Frequently offenders will be shocked, and they may prefer to act as if nothing has happened, behaving as if they didn’t get the message at all. Regardless of the immediate response, know that your message was probably heard, and then wait to see what the results are.
When Billings-Harris used the S.T.O.P. technique to speak to a man who habitually used the word “fag” in casual conversation, the man initially walked away as if nothing at all had happened. At first, Billings-Harris thought that he had not understood her point. However, the man not only stopped using the offensive word in Billings-Harris’ home as she requested, he stopped using it altogether.
“You have to practice,” Billings-Harris says. “You are not looking for a conversation. You want to be very direct and assertive. Don’t give any clues that will indicate to the other person that you want to know why they do the behavior in the first place.” Practice the S.T.O.P. technique with family and children first, then begin applying it in work situations.
After speaking with Billings-Harris, I wanted to try out the S.T.O.P technique immediately. The previous night my ex-husband had said “no” to my request to take our son on a camping trip during his scheduled visitation time, which unfortunately, led to our usual explosive and unproductive argument. I decided what words to use, dialed his cell phone and calmly delivered step 1: “When you immediately say “no” to my requests for extra time with our son,” I said, “I feel very disappointed because I really wanted to take him to watch the meteor showers in the desert. I would prefer that you take more time to consider my requests, and remember that you always have the option of spending more time with our son the following week. If you would be more flexible, I’m sure our relationship would improve, and our son will get to go on more weekend trips with each of his parents.” “Ok,” he replied. “Just call me when you get there.” I have to laugh at how easily what had seemed like a hopeless situation was resolved–in less than one minute.
More serious situations, even sexual harassment at work, can be nipped in the bud easily with the S.T.O.P. process. When a male co-worker badgered Clarissa Reed, a pre-school teacher, to go out for coffee or to a movie, she became uncomfortable in their working relationship. Although she politely declined his invitations, the man increased his inappropriate behavior and began making jokes in front of Reed’s peers about throwing her on the children’s exercise mats to have sex. Reed agonized over what to say to her co-worker, and wondered if she should say anything at all. Finally, Reed mentioned the situation to the principal, hoping to get support and guidance. However, the principal responded that because she had been informed about the behavior, administrative action would now have to be taken. The principal then spoke to the male teacher, who did stop the behavior, but involving the principal escalated the situation and caused more embarrassment.
However, had if Reed had known about the S.T.O.P. technique, she could have responded in an effective manner much earlier. A brief statement can be as simple as this: “When you make comments about sexual activity between us, even if it is a joke, I feel embarrassed and disrespected. I would prefer it if you keep those thoughts to yourself, and in the future, when I am confident that no sexual comments will be made, I’ll be much more comfortable discussing the needs of the children here with you as a professional.”
Effective use of the S.T.O.P. technique depends on your ability to be very specific in describing the behavior, without criticizing the offender. “Don’t let the offender interrupt you or tell you that you shouldn’t feel the way you do, and don’t get sucked into a conversation where you feel forced to defend yourself–just move right on to the next step. Don’t diminish what you are asking the other person to do, or deny the importance of your own feelings, by admitting that you’ve blown their behavior out of proportion. This will take away all the power you had in the previous moment,” Billings-Harris says. “You own your own feelings and no one has the right to judge them. We all need to honor other peoples’ feelings, even if we think they are irrational. Honor the total person.”
If the offender does change their behavior, give positive feedback as quickly as possible. Let them know that you appreciate that they have made a change and that you enjoy working with them more. If the offender doesn’t change their behavior, then you may need to consider other options, such as taking the matter to human resources. However, most people are more than willing to change, once they understand that it is important to you, and know the new options available to them.
“When we are powerful and assertive in saying what we need, people who care about the relationship will at least make an attempt to change,” Billings-Harris says.
The rewards of assertive communication are far reaching. “We need to take responsibility for getting the stress out of our life,” Billings-Harris says. Using the S.T.O.P. technique seems difficult at first, but ultimately, it will reduce stress at work for everyone. With regular practice, people learn that stressors that at one time seemed outrageous and intensely bothersome can in fact be stopped quite easily. Hopefully, in the end, we’ll all realize that other people’s inappropriate behavior really never had that much power in the first place.
For more information: Visit: www.LenoraSpeaks.com or e-mail: Lenora@LenoraSpeaks.com
